Trace Meadows of Pensacola, FL, writes to ask, I hear there’s someone threatening to conquer the planet with his army of turtles. Should I be concerned? The referenced item of news is this: Florida Man Threatens To Conquer Planet Earth With His Army Of Turtles. Trace, I don’t think we need to be concerned. Due to …
Getting Rid of Mice
Susan Taitel of Minneapolis asks, Does anyone have a cat, owl, or preferably a snake I can borrow to scare off some mice? Also does anyone have a mongoose I can borrow to chase off the snake? Additionally does anyone know what mongooses are afraid of? Susan, First, I want it clearly understood that I …
The Lizard Shelter
In honor of my recent visit to Reptile Gardens in Rapid City SD, I give you this giant lizard poem.
Time travel cookbook
Dear Tyler (writes Dan The Man Williamson III of Duluth MN), I recently inherited a time machine, and I’d like to use it to indulge my passion for novel gourmet cookery. I have access to a range of now extinct ingredients, but my problem is that I don’t know which things are edible, how to prepare …
Bioluminescent Reindeer and the Value of Diversity
Gerry Bartholomew writes: Is it just me, or was Santa kind of a shit to Rudolph?
The Squirrel Alarm
Dear Tyler, (writes Ferdy Johns of Ely MN) I’m not an early riser by inclination, but the last few mornings, I’ve been awakened by a tiny red squirrel who shows up at sunrise to throw pine-cones onto my roof. I’m far enough out in the country that nobody would be bothered if I just shot …
How do turtles communicate?
Qwerty in Baton Rouge asks: How do turtles communicate? Pheromones? No — turtlephones. One of the nice things about being a turtle — I don’t know this through personal experience — is that one’s shell provides a handy place to mount various devices that can’t then get lost, as well as plenty of space to …
More on cats and video games
In response to my article about playing video games with your cat, Leann Arnett writes: Umm what if your on your iPod and can’t get the games and you have no other devices but a computer and its not touch screen also the game cost money and doesn’t exist on a iPod?
How is Shakespeare Like a Porcupine?
Come to the Point W. Shakespeare, called by his friends Bill, Is said to have written his plays with a quill. I mention him here, though, just on the way To the topic I’d meant to hold forth on today, The connection to which might not seem too plain, But which I can maybe attempt …
How Ostriches Cope with Stress
Fernella Inskip of Bald Knob, Arkansas asks: What do stressed-out ostriches do when there’s no sand for them to bury their heads in? There are people around here who raise ostriches (for laughs, I guess?) and they run around on grass or at best, mud. The soil just isn’t very sandy in these parts. Fernella, …