Why we don’t need to fear Florida Man’s army of turtles

Trace Meadows of Pensacola, FL, writes to ask,

I hear there’s someone threatening to conquer the planet with his army of turtles. Should I be concerned?

The referenced item of news is this: Florida Man Threatens To Conquer Planet Earth With His Army Of Turtles.

Trace, I don’t think we need to be concerned. Due to their method of locomotion, turtle attacks can be easily defused with a simple trap, shown here in cross section.

turtle trap

A barrier of this sort placed in the line of travel of the approaching turtle horde, with a weight-triggered flap at the top of a ramp, will trap the turtles in the interior of the ramp, where they can be disarmed and dealt with at leisure (I understand they make good soup). These can be made in sections and placed side by side for complete coverage, and even arranged in rows so that if the first rank fills up with bellicose turtles, letting others crawl over them toward their target, the next ramp, or the one after that, will trap them.