Training attack ferrets
Vext Quiz of Punxsutawney PA asks, “How can I train my two pet ferrets to attack and kill intruders?”… (MORE)
Continue reading →How do I talk to royalty?
To get a king or queen’s attention, you should say, “Your royal highness.” Do not say “Hey you there!” or “Queenie.” You may use their first name if you happen to know it (e.g. “Elizabeth”). No nicknames, please. If you … Continue reading →
Stopping alien expansion
Maks writes: What is the funniest way to stop the alien expansion? There are so many kinds of angry, dangerous, terrible aliens… There must be a way to prevent the expansion! Maks, you’ve correctly identified the cause of the K’krabits’ … Continue reading →
How do I find a good dragon trainer?
I’m going to assume you mean a dragon of the flying, fire-breathing variety. There are many other kinds that are perfectly nice to ride, but with all those movies recently, everybody’s got to have a flamer instead of, say, a nice safe water dragon…
Continue reading →What should I do if a monarch orders me beheaded?
“Off with her head!” Wow, that gets the blood racing, doesn’t it? Well, relax. Kings and queens no longer have the authority to have people beheaded. They only do this to let off steam, or as a sort of nervous … Continue reading →
How can I repel mosquitoes?
Hilary Moon Murphy writes again to ask how to best repel mosquitoes. Now, my pal Socrates would leap right onto that question, but he wouldn’t answer it. Oh, no, that’s too easy. Instead he would ask another question, to wit: … Continue reading →
How to eat a pickle
When you eat a pickle, you must stand. Never eat a pickle sitting or lying down, as you cannot effectively defend the pickle in those positions. The correct posture for pickle eating is shown here (the actual pickle is omitted … Continue reading →
How do I tell the difference between cheese and soap?
A whitish-yellowish block. Could be cheese. Could be soap. How can you be sure? The answer can have definite consequences. Eating soap is unpleasant and bubbly. Cleaning yourself with cheese is ineffective, and attracts mice. In these and many other … Continue reading →
How can I tell stories at summer camp?
Do you want to tell stories at camp? Surprisingly, the most important things you can do to insure success in story telling, begin before you start talking. First, make sure the audience can all see and hear you from where … Continue reading →
Tyler, how can I become as knowledgeable as you are?
Hilary Moon Murphy of Minneapolis wrote to ask how I developed my expertise. I sleep on books. I’ve found that if I place a book under my pillow at night, and skim the table of contents the next day, I … Continue reading →