How can I avoid being eaten by a monster?

Sometimes, if a monster wants to eat you, you don’t get a lot of choice in the matter. So the best way to prevent a monster from eating you, is to avoid its notice. You should:

1. Bathe regularly, so that you don’t smell delicious to monsters. When you bathe, use soap, not cheese, as many monsters find the aroma of cheese irresistible.
2. Don’t carry around bags of monster chow, as this also has an attractive scent.
3. Don’t say, “Monsters? Don’t be silly! There’s no such thing.” Because that’s always the first person to get eaten, isn’t it?

If a monster notices you anyway and is looking hungry, here’s the FDA-approved procedure.

• Look the monster in the eye and firmly say “No!”
• This usually doesn’t work.
• Run away.
• Dig a deep pit to make a monster trap. Cover it with branches. (Note: unless you can run much faster than the monster, it’s a good idea to have the pit prepared in advance.)

• Monsters are actually too smart to be fooled by this, and they will avoid the trap.
• However, they are not smart enough to look for you in the trap. Hide in the hole until it goes away.