Escaping the Zombie Apocalypse

Margaret from St. Paul asks,

How does one survive the zombie apocalypse?

Zombie with empty pizza box

Having consumed all available brains, zombies will quickly polish off any remaining pizza.

Margaret, Margaret. Why would you want to do that? Think of what the world would be like when there are no Caribou Coffees, no pizza delivery (and would you dare open the door if there were!?), no lazing about on the beach sans shotgun…. What way is that to live?

Instead, we must focus on prevention. If everyone would follow a few simple guidelines, the chances of the ZA coming about are very tiny:

  • Don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh (except in the context of a drinking game or other mockery).
  • Report any suspicious activity to the government Zombie Hotline (dial 911 and ask for zombies).
  • Don’t drink any mysterious glowing green liquids.
  • Don’t eat brains; they may be contagious.
  • If you think you may be turning into a zombie, go to the mall and sit in a Sharper Image massage chair until you feel better. If the mall is closed, try to hold out until morning.