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Training attack ferrets

Vext Quiz of Punxsutawney PA asks:

How can I train my two pet ferrets to attack and kill intruders?

Ferret attack zones
Major and minor ferret attack zones

Vext, many ferret owners would like their pets to take a more active role in home defense. Most pet stores carry attack ferret training dummies with snack cavities in strategic spots. They’re usually not on display, but there may be some in back if you ask.

The illustration shows the most effective ferret attack points. To actually kill someone, they would pretty much have to sever a major blood vessel, such as the jugular (red arrow), which is a challenge as it’s pretty far off the ground and takes a bit of chewing.

However, the green arrows show secondary attack points which can distract the intruder while you take other measures, or while ferret number 2 goes for the gold (it’s nice that you have a team). Eyes, earlobes, ankles and wrists are good targets, usually not well protected by clothing. Even if the intruder isn’t male, the, er, central region also makes a good target, since there are few things more distracting than a clawed creature running up the inside of a pants leg.

If you want your guys to go for the jugular, there are things you can do to put it in easier reach. Carpeted ferret runs mounted on your walls, give them a high-traction vantage from which to leap onto the intruder’s shoulders. Or, running tripwires across selected doorways may put the intruder on the ground long enough for someone to latch on. Just remember to step high if you have to go to the bathroom at night.

Oh and of course, don’t trim their claws.