Stopping alien expansion

Maks writes:

What is the funniest way to stop the alien expansion? There are so many kinds of angry, dangerous, terrible aliens… There must be a way to prevent the expansion!

K'krabit

The typical K'krabit is somewhat overweight.

Maks, you’ve correctly identified the cause of the K’krabits’ anger. Despite their millenia of technological advancement, the aliens have not yet found a way to solve a basic problem that plagues many of us — they’re too fat. Can nothing halt their expansion?

The illustration shows the typical vs. ideal alien profile, the latter indicated by a dashed line. She is shown without battle armor here, for clarity, but of course not totally anatomically correct as this is a family-oriented blog. They try to diet and to be good about exercising, but the extreme ease which technology has brought to their lives makes this very difficult, and few achieve it. Those few tend to go into show business, and the resulting holo-soaps, further manipulated digitally, make it hard for the general population to maintain a healthy body image.

Their frustration with this situation is immense. Pillaging, torturing, writing letters to the editor, using sarcasm on their pets — none of these has been enough to bury their pain. Filled with a raging hunger, both literal and metaphorical, they roam the galaxy in search of plunder. But nothing can fill that void; nothing but a true purpose for their existence.

This is what the prophet F’Narghbloht hopes to provide them. F’Narghbloht is far from the physical ideal — a little butterball, he, and his syntax is tortuous. But his ideas are persuasive, and he has gathered a little band of converts, fifty-seven at last count. They claim that the K’krabit destiny is to recreate the three perfect jumgla-knots of legend, so perfect and symmetrical that the rest of the galaxy can but marvel. F’Narghbloht’s followers don’t care how they look; only the cleverness of their spatial brain-clusters and the ability to tie with speed and precision matter.

It may take milennia to re-create the three knots, which each contain 674 crossings. Let’s encourage them all to take up this pursuit, which will get them out of our hair for quite a while.

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