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Topical Use of Chocolate

killer robot grabbing someone
Killer robot attacks can provide opportunities to test bruise remedies.

Benny Evinrude (no relation) of Anoka MN writes,

Dear Tyler,

Thanks for the explanation of white chocolate. It made me think of another chocolate question I heard about recently. Several websites say that melted chocolate if you pour it on a bruise and leave it overnight, it makes the bruise fade. But I can’t find noone who actually tested it. Is it true?

Benny, I commend you for your skeptical, scientific attitude. I’m sure most of those websites are just saying that because they read it online somewhere. The internet is a great tool for spreading unsubstantiated information.

I’ve never tested this myself, and I therefore hesitate to suggest that it might work. Even if it does work, though, it seems like a waste of good chocolate. The bruise will eventually go away on its own and until it does, it’s a conversation piece. I suppose you could eat the chocolate afterwards anyway, if you don’t mind it being a little fuzzy.

It is, however, an interesting question to consider. The scientific way to test this would be to have symmetrical bruises and put chocolate on one, and don’t treat the other. It’s not intriguing enough for me to give myself bruises just to try it, and maybe not for you either since you are asking me instead of trying it yourself. But if you happened to have some bruises anyway, by chance, it would be a good opportunity to expand the realm of knowledge.

For instance, if a giant killer robot happened to grab you, and didn’t actually squash you like a bug, you might end up with similar waffle-patterned bruises on your left and right sides. If you’re fortunate and they’re large bruises, you might have enough room to test several different potential remedies. Take before and after pictures, and mark the test areas with a permanent marker (despite the name, the marks will fade eventually, I think).

I hypothesize that if chocolate does help bruises fade faster, it might be more because molten chocolate is warm, than because of any ingredient of the chocolate. So on one of your test areas, you might try something else warm, like a nuked wet washcloth or nacho cheese sauce, and see whether that works as well.


2 thoughts on “Topical Use of Chocolate”

  1. I actually tried sleeping with chocolate on my bruise two nights in a row & I am sorry to say it did nothing. Don’t waste your time or your chocolate !

    1. See now, this is exactly what I was saying. How do you know it did nothing unless you have a similar control bruise that you don’t put chocolate on, so that you can compare them?

      I appreciate your investigative spirit, but if you don’t follow the rules of Science it’s hard to draw any meaningful conclusions!

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